"The more connections you and your lover make, not just between your bodies, but between your minds, your hearts, and your souls, the more you will strengthen the fabric of your relationship, and the more real moments you will experience together".

Barbara De Angelis

We all begin relationships hoping and believing that they will be happy and stay happy. We dream of the perfect relationship with completely open communication, intimate trust and our deepest desires being beautifully fulfilled. Still, somehow, over time, things change and what was once great, becomes less so, and in some cases, actually becomes the opposite of what we first thought it would be. We may start to ask ourselves whether that old magic feeling, or was it just a dream we had, will ever come back. Let’s consider how this happens, what we can do to prevent it from happening, and what to do to bring back those happy feelings once they have left you.

When we talk about a relationship, it seems like a solid idea. Just like the relationship between a key and the lock that it fits; it is constant; it will always fit. However, people change more than inanimate objects like keys. We don’t normally notice how we are changing from day to day, except perhaps to note that it was a “good” day or not. Over time though, we and others notice that we have changed either physically, psychologically or in our habits. This constant state of change makes it so relationships between people are also constantly in evolution. While there are many consistent elements, there are also things that used to work that don’t anymore.

To maintain a relationship in great shape, it helps to think and talk about it more in terms of relating. Relating has more of a sense of action and motion to it. And that sense of action and motion is key to any relationship, it is a dance, a negotiation (hopefully win-win), and a partnership. When we start to see our relationships as relating actions, we are starting to open the door and let more of the light of happiness into our lives.

Another very important thing to realize in relating is that no two people are ever alike. We are all different and expecting anybody to behave like, and believe in, everything we do is creating our own nightmare. And if that is not enough, people are also not constant, people change on an ongoing basis as we talked about earlier in this article. Some of this change is cyclical, like seasonal differences, daily rhythms, menstrual cycles, or weekly changes (are you the same person on Monday morning as you are on Friday night?). Other changes are longer term and can be the result of education, fitness routines, or new environmental factors. On the negative side, changes like failure, apathy, or a loss of self-belief will also cause significant personal changes.

So with no two people ever being alike, and each person shifting who they are regularly, how can we ever expect to have a solid relating experience? Is it reasonable to expect that the happily ever after scenario can ever come to pass? What is reasonable to expect?

While these are good questions, pondering them over the long term may cause you to lose your faith in great relating, and that would be a bad thing. So instead, let’s consider how to make the best of this situation and find the brighter side of difference, or diversity.

Diversity is the spice of life. If everything stays the same, we quickly lose interest. Consider these examples: do we say “What’s new?” when we meet people or “What’s the same?”; do we notice more when people do something different or when they do the same things over and over?; do we pay money to see people do things we can do, or when they have special talents? It is diversity we notice, appreciate and are willing to pay for. Therefore, let’s forget about complaining about it in our partners. Rather, let’s embrace it as the only natural order, and then make some agreements about how we can maximize these differences to our mutual benefit. We will never be the same. So let’s team up on our strengths. Let’s appreciate what is good and different about our partner.

So if you are having trouble in your relationship, there is probably a lot of complaining and finger pointing going on. Stop to notice whether most of the complaints are about things that are happening, or things that are not happening. This is an important distinction. It is easy for both people in the relationship to be busy, while they both are noticing the many things that are not being done by the other. What is worse, when we focus on these problem areas, we tend to prolong them. This is a law of physics — what is observed is strengthened. I can hear you saying it.....”oh no, what have I been doing?”

Yes, most of the time when we are having trouble in our relating, it is because we are focusing on negativity about the other person. Yet, don’t think for a moment I am against negativity. In fact, I love to find negativity.

What is so good about negativity? In my view, the purpose of negativity is to be a sign post, and this sign post is pointing exactly where putting our effort into finding a solution will bring about the greatest good and positive change. Just like we welcomed diversity, let us also welcome negativity, but only for a short time, while we find and implement a solution that creates more happiness in and around us. There are few things that feel better than success in solving a problem for good.

Looking back to our initial quote, it is important for us to find some activities, where we can be relating together with our partner. Some of their ideas may not sound great to you, especially if your relating has mostly been about conflict. If you want some better relating, it will take some flexibility in what you are prepared to do and agree to. Perhaps the least offensive activity the other person suggests may be a good start. And speaking of good starts, how about starting with an open heart and an open mind toward the activity and being open to developing a liking for it? If you are the first to offer yourself up to share a new experience, you will definitely raise the odds of your partner trying something you really enjoy, and where you would like some companionship.

So, in summary, fighting or complaining about diversity is counter-natural and will lead us away from happy relating. Embracing and appreciating the strengths in diversity will bring you to appreciate your partner more and this change in feelings will make a measurable improvement in your relating. Then, it is important to take all the negativity and find a solution to it, change focus onto the solution, and enjoy the better feelings that this approach brings. And lastly, let’s show the flexibility to find some things you can do together and have fun with. This will improve our relating immensely and bring us toward the happier relating we are all so fond of dreaming about — let’s start living the dream.

Stephen Whiteley

Happinesss Works!

Ending Unhappiness - For Good

Award Winning Author, Keynote Speaker, and an Amazing Happiness Coach

www.howtobehappyinrelationships.com

Author of ‘Happiness Works! Get Yours Here!’ Inspirational Book of the Year for 2012

happinessworks@sympatico.ca

613-721-7570

3 Steps to Happier Relating

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