There’s a science fiction episode in which the characters lead such dull and boring lives that they don’t realize that they’ve died. For many of us this represents the illusion that we’re surrounded by caring and dynamic friends, family and acquaintances when in reality many of them have written themselves out of our life’s script long ago and are just going through the motions. The painful and difficult question is how does one determine, to a reasonable extent, whether their relationships have ended.  One technique I use is a two-step process whose results can be rather revealing, disappointing even disheartening.

First, determine to what extent you always initiate contact your friends, family and acquaintances.  If communication is a give & take in which they contact you and you contact them roughly half the time then you need not proceed further. However, if you’re the one always initiating communications then you should consider undertaking a critical second step.

In this second step, go completely incommunicado.  In this litmus test you essentially don’t contact anyone at all and note how long it takes for each person to contact you. In the not so distant past one had to write a letter or make a phone call. And if your contact lived far away the letter would take a week and the long-distance phone calls were pricey. Nowadays with the internet and social media, contact anywhere in the world is merely a click away utilizing semi-literate short sentences. In other words, if you vanished, who would look for you or inquire on your whereabouts?  Who would come to your aid for support or offer a kind word? Are your friends, family and acquaintances  merely cardboard cutouts which you tolerate and go through conversational motions?

A one-way relationship, such as the people who contact you only when they’re desperate or need something, is unhealthy because it drains your physical and spiritual energy. This is not determined by the frequency of contact rather the quality and whether there’s a genuine exchange that fulfills you spiritually.  This type of loneliness is recognized in social media where people create fantasy, over-the-top successful lives and try their best to convince people of this gloriously happy lifestyle when it fact they’re desperate for attention.

A genuine balanced relationship with only one or two people trumps 20 one-way relationships. And that includes the regular contact with someone via email in a faraway place in which you have dynamic conversations compared to the next door neighbor or acquaintance who you see everyday who barely has time for chitchat.

Seek those with shared lifestyle scripts in which both of you are participating.  Often people have already written themselves out of your script is because it’s a connection they no longer want, not because of meanness. If you’re always trying to engage mere cardboard cutouts and chasing ghosts, it’s a waste of time.  Create your own world, a new one, with real people with whom you can connect on a spiritual level.  All relationships have an expiry date of one kind or another and it’s our difficult and often reluctant task to recognize when one no longer exists and to let go.

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Indo-Brazilian Associates LLC is a NYC-based global advisory service and think tank with connections at the highest levels. International business is increasingly complex featuring a highly mobile professional class in all corners of the globe. We provide you the tools to successfully negotiate cross-culturally in your global business endeavors. Tell us about your challenges. We'll get you on the "Short List".

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